convictions or confusions

GOD told me…! I’m sure of it! I KNOW this is what GOD wants me to do!

There were times in my life when I would say these “convictions” with much sincerity… and i really did believe it. But i kinda forgot at what point it all just became a bunch of nonsense. More than feeling convicted, I am more confused. How do I really KNOW that this and that is REALLY what GOD wants me to do. Go to this school, take this job, live in this city, pray for that girl, sacrifice that opportunity… the list goes on and so do my regrets.

jaded…

yeah, i guess i could be… or did i just misunderstand what a ‘conviction’ is?

I agree there were times when i defined convictions as “believing strongly about what I want” and i simply went to God for him to give me the STAMP of approval. And yeah, that’s not too good So I get that but what is the difference or better yet, how do you differentiate between what you strongly believe or what you are willing to die for versus a conviction from God? Because the former may or may not work out yet the latter MUST happen. And I want to have more of the 2nd type of conviction, esp when dealing with future BIG decisions!

So this is how one person studied it… what is conviction?

• The word convict is only used once in the Bible where the men who accused the women of adultery were “convicted by their own conscience” (John 8:9).
• The word convince is used seven times (Job 32:12; John 8:46; Acts 18:28; 1Corinthians 14:24; Titus 1:9; James 2:9; Jude 15). This word (convince) is the key to understanding the other two words. One who is convicted is convinced of sin or error. In its simplest meaning, a conviction is something about which we are convinced. In most of the cases where convince is used in the Bible, it is similar to our use of the word convict. It usually deals with those who are convinced of sin.
• As I said, a conviction is a convinced conscience. Some may say that all we need is the Bible and the conscience is thereby made superfluous. Yet, it is the Bible that tells us that God uses the conscience. Our convictions will not always agree because they are personal. They do not carry the authority of scripture and may be faulty. But, as we submit to God and exercise ourselves in His word, we are to keep our consciences clean by establishing convictions in our lives and by avoiding offense to our consciences.

So I can see how that is expressed in the bible, a conviction is a convinced conscience. I get that. I see in Romans 12 too how God transforms my mind or conscience so that I can discern how to live for God and know God’s will.

Now, “convictions” can be faulty. Because it carries no authority, though it may be biblical. And though it may be “good” and “moral.” And of course, we are in this continuous process of “convincing our conscience” to know the heart of God and to do live accordingly so I am gonna make some (LOTS) of mistakes in the meantime.

The intriguing thing is, maybe I need to be convicted of what i believe God wants me to do as much as I am convicted of my sins. But, if I don’t have a lifestyle of being CONVICTED of my sins then it just makes sense that it might be hard to be CONVICTED of what GOD wants me to do.

If i’m not convicted of what GOD doesn’t want me to do, then how could be convicted of what GOD does want me to do.

that’s brutal. i gotta chew on that for a few days. nom nom nom…

This thanksgiving break has been one of confusion and lots of thinking. I’m confused beyond words these days. I feel directionless and purposeless. But more than that, I feel conviction-less. A man without conviction is not to be trusted. They can be swayed very easily. And I am that man these days…

However, i am thankful. [I love you Jesus.] In the midst of this confusion, this broken road, i found healing. I felt like I was falling apart with a broken heart… but i am able to see that GOD is working because GOD is enabling me to hold on. So, I am hoping. I am fighting. I am living… [i luv lifehouse]

But the biggest 2 moments this break was one conversation i had with a new friend and realizing what my problem is.

1. this person was so on fire for GOD that it inspired me. And i realized that i can keep on living life confused or i can live life convicted. Yes, it might be a risk because these “convictions” might not work out or might make me seem like a fool… but i don’t want to care about that anymore. I’m so SICK AND TIRED OF FEARING THAT I MIGHT LOOK STUPID! I AM STUPID AND WILL FAIL… JUST MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE SEAN!! I am such an idiot… But anyway, my commitment from GOD these days is to have more convictions and to believe in them and to ask for them and to carry them out… if i look stupid… then so be it! I wanna have these moments with GOD and live for Him even though i might seem useless.

2. my second is obviously related with my first. my problem is that somewhere in the past 1-5 years, i just stopped making and believing in convictions. I became this little baby that got hurt every time it didn’t work out. I became this little sissy that cried whenever it failed. I became this coward that just feared too much. i wanna stop this nonsense. Imma proclaim my convictions loudly and courageously. Because I just want GOD!!!!! geezzzz

If you can’t read it, the first picture says,

“every great oak tree started out with a couple of nuts who stood their ground”

Not just as a man but as one that needs to get a hold of my Spiritual life, i need to STAND MY GROUND. I do feel like a little bird in a way tooooo big of a forest. Many times I feel lost and i don’t know what i am doing. I can’t even acknowledge my strengths or abilities or convictions anymore… i feel like all those things have been stripped and i’ve been exposed naked and bare. Yet, just like a few seeds of faith can be used by God to move mountains, I need to recognize that I AM that little bird and I AM that mustard seed that is insignificant and insecure and small. BUT, with that understanding, the ground that I must stand on now is not in my strengths or talents but in JESUS alone. GOD is my ground. GOD is my conviction. GOD is what i live by.

I have for too long, desired to BE that “great” oak tree way too fast and before my time. I’m sick and tired of it. I see what i am now and I am thankful! I am happy! I have JOY!! i really do. And i love it. Start where you are standing sean. And I stand on solid ground. I stand on Jesus.

Quietness

Am I getting old or just appreciating life more? Is that the same thing? haha

It’s so nice to be on campus when no one is on campus. It’s nice to have some ‘quietness.’ Especially right now in my life, I just need some time to THINK! AHHHHH!! okay calm down dude!

The lifestyle down here moves so fast, it’s hard to just relax and reflect and try to repent Some event is always coming up or something is always due or that has to be prepared… not complaining but you know, life flies by. So, I’m realizing the necessity of taking charge and forcing in time to THINKKKKKKK!!

Before this break officially starts, I want to start it out right. I shall write out the things I want to think about and pray through so that the semester will end well instead of dragging me away…

maybe i’ll blog about these thoughts…

maybe i’ll just keep them private

maybe i’ll just waste this week…

meh.

we’ll see.

Help me to figure out my life this week.please.

Are you physically attractive?

Props for a very entertaining yet informative dating seminar given by pjong.com! I especially liked the questions that were asked that night. In particular, there was a question that went:

“What if you match in personality/spirituality but could never imagine physically being attracted to them. Can this be a legitimate reason not to date them?”

My first thought, was it asked by a girl or a guy? Hm. My second thought, how ugly is this person that personality and spirituality is just not good enough!?! ouch. lol! Whatever the case, it was a very thought provoking question with deep inferences to human relationships. However, before getting into this topic, you got to hand it to this person in this dilemma because maybe they knew they were not too attractive so they really worked hard on their personality and spirituality… but I guess you just can’t have it all, right? You just gotta be Holy, Hot and Heavenly to be dated these days. Or do you?

I would have to say that writing about such topics won’t last too long, especially as a single. So, I felt compelled to dish out what’s on my mind from a single person’s point of view. It’s great that married people share and teach about what to do and not to do but the grass is always greener on the other side and in hindsight, everything always has 20/20 vision. As a single person, you don’t always have that clarity and vision which is a bulk of the challenge. Is it the right time? Is it the right circumstance? Is it the right person? Is it just RIGHT? And you can seek advice from older, younger, single or married but it is a conviction that must originate with the Lord and in your relationship with the Lord. The mystery and uncertainty is all part of the “fun.” And personally, I would say it is a part of learning to trust in God and living a life that is fully surrendered to God. The bigger issue is, this one aspect of life will set my life principle for the rest of my life.

Will I trust in God?

How I handle who to pray for and such establishes how I will handle all future decisions. Scary. Yet, it also helps me to focus on the BIGGER vision of my life as I determine the daily steps I need to make. Sometimes, I get so focused on the station that I want to get off on, that I miss the right track that I need to get on. Where I end up is important but how I get there is equally essential! God is definitely aware of my goals but also engaged in how I meet them. Character matters.

All this to say, if you are not physically attracted to the girl or guy, then maybe for you, you shouldn’t get involved with them. Or maybe if the personality and spirituality matches, then you should go for it. The point is not so much your preference but the character in your choices. In the former issue, if you don’t get involved with that person, then your “character” places a very high importance on the physical. If you choose the latter, then you find spiritual characteristics and personality characteristics more important. I believe there is really no right or wrong answer but one thing is for sure, it will show you what is important to YOU.

And more often than not, you will live and die by your choices. Ecc 12:13-14 clearly says that we will be judged by EVERY deed we commit.

So, at the end of day, we are completely FREE to do as we choose. We are free to choose who we want to go out with and marry. We are free to pray with that ugly guy who is spiritual or that girl who is hot but not too spiritual. Whatever the case, you are who you choose.

Well for most of us that are single, embracing this season of life is everything! And I can say that still because I am still single and I am striving for that now. Also, it is a great time in Life to just Trust GOD fully. I don’t know if anyone feels me on this but I feel so FREE when I am surrendered even in the midst of uncertainty. And I do really believe that either GOD will catch me when I fall or GOD will teach me how to fly Basically, He knows what He is doing. And really that’s all that matters.

And just a note about the question that I began with… Love is in the eye of the beholder. Find someone that really loves and appreciate you. And for others who are being asked or need to choose, choose wisely because your choices determine who you are.

Do you really love me?

I got inspired to do this from random readings and been thinking about how i need to be more proactive in really showing love to others. [1 c. 13] I guess you could use this for romantic interests but i think it’ll work for anyone you are really trying to be a blessing to. I’m sure its not comprehensive so if you have MORE suggestions lemme know, I would love to make a COMPLETE list

1. Details matter

Take notes if you have to, esp  if you don’t have good memory. What kind of coffee do they like to drink? What’s their favorite color? Do they enjoy a nice walk after an exam or a trip to cocomero to relieve some stress? Do they love the security found in silence or the comfort of chatter? The details, most would say, are everything! It declares, I love you and like you so much that I care about what you enjoy – I care about what will put that smile on your face… forever. Jesus, in the midst of the huge crowd, sees that one lady who had been sick for many years. Love is in the details.

2. Thoughtful interruptions

The old skoolers of love handled this through letters placed in their loved ones’ favorite book they read every night or secretly putting it in their purse. Some use post it notes. But these days, I think we can have thoughtful interruptions by sending them a text or an email whenever we think about them. We interrupt their world by reminding them that “Hey, I’m thinking of you and wondering how you are doing.” A simple act of kindness go a long way! But a word of caution to those who lack the noon-choy (noon-chi), make sure these are “thoughtful” interruptions or they might just become an INTERRUPTION that is annoying. You want to come off caring and cute, not contriving and careless. Jesus, stops by the well and interrupts a woman who needs to know that she is loved.

3.  Love in the mundane

A dozen roses (or her fav flower) on Valentine’s day. A romantic home cooked meal and her favorite movie on her birthday. Christmas gifts, Anniversary presents and so on, these are important days to remember and put some love into. However, how about the other 360 days of the year? The mundane Monday or Thursday. It is a good idea to show that you care in times where there is no “significance” or in my eyes, no pressure to give the BEST gift. As you are living your daily life, find ways to show that there are moments in a day that captures our breath away and share it with them. You know she loves McDonald’s ice cream, so pick one up by the one that you pass by everyday. You know he likes words of affirmation so don’t wait until a “Day” to tell him, tell him on a random Wednesday night. You know she has been eyeing those kicks every time you go to mall, buy it for her EVEN before it’s her birthday! We often wait too long or find an occasion to say I LOVE YOU or that I appreciate you. Life is short. Show love any chance you get! With most people, it really isn’t a money issue. It just requires the combination of points 1 & 2 and expressing it on any day. ANY. Jesus, during one of the dinners, knelt down and washed his disciples’ feet because he knew his time on earth will end soon.

4. Spur of the moment surprises that are planned

Spontaneity is a lost art in this busy and schedule everything lifestyle. If you ever want to do anything, it always has to be planned. And if you don’t, you will come off sloppy and just uninterested. Yet, if you do try to do something in the moment, the restaurant might be full or the dessert place might be closed or you’ll just be waiting for a very long time. It can get pretty awkward. However, boys and girls, there is a way out of this while saving two lovers with one slice of wit! It’s called “Planned Spontaneity.” (Are you taking notes?) This requires a little bit of planning and creativity but the results I heard are worth it! So, if you are planning to go out on a saturday night, you would make reservations at a few places that you think your person would like. I would do 2 safe locations that you know she likes and one reservation at a place she might go for if she is feeling adventurous. Then, after you pick her up, give her some options and be SPONTANEOUS! You could even place reservations for an activity and a restaurant and a dessert place or cafe. You don’t always need to eat at the same restaurant for the entree and dessert and coffee How cool would you look if you walked into a restaurant that she WANTED to go to and that she PICKED and though it was packed, you walk right in because you made a reservation! I often think about the time when Jesus told the disciples to go and feed the multitude of people that were following him. I think he knew that the disciples wouldn’t know how to do that and yet he was spontaneous and surprised everyone by his miracle. How cool it would have been to walk around and gather exactly 12 baskets of bread after everyone had enough to eat!

5.  Note moments of eternity

Take a picture. Journal. Save a memory item, a receipt or ticket stub. There will be many moments in a friendship or relationship, but only a few glimpses of eternity. Those are the ones you want to remember! In any relationship, there will be struggles and challenges but the most important thing is to focus on these “Moments of Eternity” to remind you that it’s all well worth it. A picture of the bench where you had THAT conversation. Saving a piece of memory from your first date. These are moments that will stay with your relationship forever. They are milestones of love. They show growth and faithfulness of the relationship. Guys especially are not good with this so remember to think 40-50 years ahead and make an effort to care about the history and future of your relationship. All throughout the OT, the people of God would set up memory stones to remind them of God’s faithfulness to them. They were to teach the next generation as they recalled these milestones of God’s goodness to them, often in the midst of hardships.

I would have to say, in my life up until now, there is one lesson that I have to keep reminding myself: Love is not true love unless it is the way they want to be loved. I may have the greatest intentions but that kind of love falls short. Through small groups and different ministries, I’m learning how true the words of Jesus are, “Love others as they would want to be loved.”

It’s just crazy amazing how GOD can show every single person in the world that He loves them in a very specific and authentic way.

Teach me your ways

I’ll do whatever to get what I want

So what?

One day, it’s THIS and then a week after, it’s THAT!

This month it’s that person, then later THAT person.

 

I’m tired of living to get whatever I want. It sucks.

woah, calm down sean.

Okay okay.

 

Today is one of those days I spent yelling, LOORRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! Why am I like this? Why do I keep seeking for the same things that won’t reconcile anything in my life?!

If I could. If I really could… I just want to take my WHOLE life and just hand it over to GOD.

NO restraints, NO turning back. Taking everything that comes with The Package. My life was a package deal when I became His.

Happiness, Joy, Success, Security, Comfort, Peace are not what I am to expect. At least not in the way I perceive it. Or the way I want it. And sometimes, I just think I got it right. I think I really know what is GOOD for me.

But, God’s plans are bigger. God’s future and hope for me is FAR greater. AND, my plans? My plans “may” work out. It “may” give me what I want. But I’m way too risk averse for that kind of gamble. The future, marriage, career, what to do with my life… are far too big for me to handle. I NEVER want to look BACK on my life and regret. And the solution to not having any regret is TRUSTING in GOD. And moving forward with Trust versus Fear. The Christian is one that is courageous, not fearful. Choices made based on Fear is never a good one. But one that is with Trust, it will bring fruit for the Kingdom.

I’m just ranting now.

This insatiable desire to get what I want has become idolatry. I must kill it before it kills me. I see it alive. It’s moving and working. Always planning and scheming.

So today is one of those days I HATE this idol and want to tear it down!!

Help me to cry out to You. To seek after You. I need You.

 

I wish my life was like this…

Waking up to the glow of the sun on my face,

I hear the whispers of my lifesong playing.

Smell of fresh roasted coffee escaping the coffee press to rescue my new day,

I take a moment to reflect and recount my greatest need in life… Jesus.

I am free.

Free to conquer the world. Free to spend today’s eternity for Him.

Every worry I share. Every heart ache I ask for healing. Every sin, I go once again to the Cross.

People? They exist to share in these moments with me. A community that experiences the reality of depravity. Yet, a family that will Together go along with you, never leaving you, always supporting.

 

I wish my life was like this…

I wish it wasn’t a lie. I wish I won’t grow jaded. I wish my heart will be sustained.

 

Sometimes I feel that in age I am growing, but in heart, I am just aging.

Life will always have its issues and problems, but only a deeper and greater Trust in Jesus resolves all these things. It is life’s greatest X-Factor.

Keep trusting my friend. Jesus really is the answer for the world today.

 

 

 

Whether it is revival or FACT, I wanna learn His heart. I wanna know what He feels. I wanna change.

This week I’m realizing that I don’t care about people and others the way God wants from me.

With FACT in just a few days, God’s been convicting me that I need to have GOD’s heart like this EVERY SINGLE DAY and MOMENT.

My initial thought was, “How does one DO that?” How does my heart beat for God and for Others, constantly? continuously?

It only takes the Work of the Holy Spirit. Because one thing is for sure, I’m not wired that way. I have other things that I think are more important.

Yet, at the VERY heart of God is one that beats for His People to know him and trust him and love him. Every page of the OT rings true to this fact. Every truth in the NT shows Jesus who becomes this reality.

However, this week, I see how far my heart is from God’s heart. I guess that’s why God allows me to participate in FACT. To remind my selfish self to think and desire like Jesus.

Lord, help me.

I need some major heart work and change.

GOD sure can move mountains but FAITH and PRAYER move the heart of God. (EM Bounds)

I love this quote because it shows God’s heart and sovereignty but also the response that is necessary by His people.
Whether it is revival or FACT, I wanna learn His heart. I wanna know what He feels. I wanna change.

You killed my blessings!

No matter how amazing a spiritual event was, Satan and the Self is constantly working to kill it all. The thief only comes to steal, KILL and destroy.

It could be one misunderstanding, one phone call, one look, one interpretation of something or just another good ol fashion demand from your heart, “I want what I want!!” or “Don’t give me what I don’t want!!”

Revivals, Devotion times, prayer mtgs, holy encounters are very much needed. I need them. But the BIGGER question is, will I keep at it?

Will I use those means as a launching pad for more of JESUS?

Will I be addicted to worshiping Jesus?

Will I continue pouring what is in my heart to God?

Will I keep believing that Jesus should be my only desire?

Will I go back to my sinful “comforts” or CHANGE?

I sit here contemplating in the slow glow of a great weekend of spiritual fire. The BKs are all around me. BK as in Blessing Killers. Just like the cube of God’s future presence, all around me are sprinkles of water to kill the fire. Here and there. Slowly.

I face the greatest battle not in the huddled barracks where the General gives out the weapons and ammunition. The Battle is now GOING OUT. Have I really learned well? Did the Revival kick me in the right direction? Did it heal me of past gunshot wounds? Did I find encouragement from others who are fighting their own individual battles?

What I need to do now, according to Polycarp,  is “play the man.” Be a man! Be a Man of God.

Failure awaits, wounds are coming, battle scars will form but the Battle MUST BE FOUGHT. Now, it’s a little bit different though.

How so?

I have a RENEWED desire and direction. Desire that comes because my days and whole life has been BOUGHT with the BLOOD of Jesus. And my Direction is a bit more clear. I clearly know what is wrong with me. If I don’t trust God in healing me, Imma have some major issues to say the least.

This weekend, I really needed the church to be that “Inn” for me. But I know I cannot stay in the Inn forever….

Daddy’s little girl…

We had a lil get together with the isr serving body at P.Jong’s house. The food was amazing! Haven’t had a good burger/dog in a LONG time… It’s nice having a meal at a family’s house once in a while. It reminds me that LIFE is really more than what I see in a college campus. I live and breathe college life so I sometimes forget that this is one phase of my life.

Well, one thing happened that just blessed me so much. Of course, the sharing time and praying together was very blessing. Like I said, there is nothing more fulfilling than enjoying the company of those that you are doing ministry with. Anyway, what really blessed me was P.Jong’s 2nd daughter, Lydia.

A few times, she just sat next to me. There were other aunties and uncles but she chose me. haha. And it seemed genuine And then as I was leaving the house, I saw Lydia and her dad just playing. It was a great sight to see… Daddy’s little girl.

All this just reminded me how much God is just happy when I sit with Him… When I sit with His words… When I am just gazing at Him. And not because I “have” to or I “need” to but because I just want to.

I just want to be with Jesus.

Isn’t that what this Christianity thing is all about? Isn’t this what a relationship is? Sometimes I just forget what Jesus really wants from me…. He just wants ME.

Do I just want Him?

MJ vs JC

Just got convicted again about the “highest pleasure” principle in life. I will think, desire and do whatever will give me the highest pleasure in any given moment.

It almost sounds too simple.

Do I wake up early to pray or sleep? Do I demand respect or not think of myself too highly? Do I show disdain or give grace to people? Do I spend my time getting closer to God or use the time to entertain myself?

I am revisiting how I always operate under this principle of pleasure. Always.

The bottom line is, Jesus has to be my highest pleasure every moment of the day. And of course, THAT in itself is the spiritual battle. Who do I love more?

I was very challenged by watching the speeches of two accomplished people, MJ and David Robinson. They were both accepted into the hall of fame. However, their attitudes were so different. Yes, I do want to be very well accomplished like MJ and ‘be the man’ but when Robinson at the end of his speech mentioned how he really felt like the Leper who was so undeserving, I just remember thinking, all of MJ’s accolades pales in comparison to WHO Robinson was living for!

MJ did have a great metaphor about how all the people in his life helped burn his fire to become the man he was… what does his fire burn for now? and in the future?

Robinson’s ending lines challenged me to FOCUS on who I am living for and to make sure I don’t strive for accomplishments for myself… to make sure that I don’t use people to make my own Kingdom’s fire burn hotter… because who cares about that kind of fire.

The fire that I want is the Spirit’s fire that can only be kindled by Jesus’ fire that wants to bring glory to the Father. Like Father like Son. I want… and need a fire that burns so that others may not Burn. I want a fire that burns not so that others can see ‘me’ burning but that they will see Jesus’ burning heart for them as he Leaves No One Behind…

marantha!