What makes a Man…
For some reason, GOD gracefully brings circumstances in my life to test how much I believe in God. It can be with small things like waking up for morning prayer. But, there are those huge situations that “could” shake me. And in the past, shamefully, I cursed GOD and wanted nothing to do with Him. I grew bitter. I didn’t want to live for Him anymore.
But, today, it’s different. Have I grown more apathetic? Am I better at keeping my emotions in? Or maybe, I’ve learned to keep my heart hard so that I can never “feel” those pains again?
No.
For some freaky reason, I am thankful. AND, I still love GOD and want to love Him even more. AND, I believe that GOD is good.
This kind of stuff is what really makes a Man… of God. A man of God takes pain and unfortunate circumstances and uses it to become more like Jesus. It’s hard. And, it takes work and lots of humility. But, I feel good because I think I really want communion with GOD more than anything.
See, a boy whines and cries when they don’t get what they want.
But, a man whines and cries (too, lol) but they know there are better things to come and who knows, things might turn around? 
Pain indicates that you really loved something. And I carry no regrets. You live and learn… and for believers, you are one more step closer to Jesus-ness!
GOD is not finished with me yet. And I am not giving up so easily…
Must Look “out”…
I can easily sit here and think about my life and offer up 3, maybe 5 things that I define as “HARDSHIP.” And legitimately, and subjectively, they F E E L painful, wrought with anxiety.
Then, I hear news of earthquakes, parents with cancer, moms and dads passing away… Silently, especially this week, I’ve watched them, not knowing what to say. I see pictures of the tragedy and gasp. I encounter the loved ones left behind or trying their best to support the sick, and I can’t help but kick myself (really hard!).
Sean, you got it good!! What’s wrong with you?!
I always wonder how I’ll be when the REAL DEAL comes my way. Will I be strong as the ones I see? Will I be praying with silent tears that shake God’s heart?
I don’t know.
But one thing I KNOW is that I have to LOOK OUT. Look at lives. Look at Jesus. John 13 burns in my heart today because Jesus washed my feet and keeps on washing over and over again. Yet, I sit there just letting him wash me continuously. I like it. I need it. But, I remain there. How many times will I need to get washed in order to pick up that towel and put it around my waist and kneel down and wash others?
Maybe, I still have no clue what it means to be a servant.
Maybe, I just want to be the Master, even of Jesus… wash me! wash Me! wash ME!!
…
Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you DO them. John 13:17
Just need a little help…
Surrendering is a funny thing.
It doesn’t work until you really mean it. You can’t just want it. It’s gotta be the real thing.
Today, I found myself not just wanting it but needing it.
“Lord, I need help from You… only You can do this.”
It’s a weird feeling… surrendering. I thought I would be more freaked out. More fearful. But I find myself at peace. I actually… believe. I trust. God’s Will is Good… it’s perfect.
hah. Let’s see how long this “surrendering” thing lasts….
God is “good”???
I’ve often wonder why ‘most’ people say GOD IS GOOD or GOD IS FAITHFUL after situations that work out in their favor. You rarely hear these things when things are opposite of what you want.
I propose we all say, GOD’S WILL BE DONE.
Even in hard times and sucky times OR in times of plenty and joy, GOD is always good because HIS Will was done. And that’s all that matters. And when His Will is done, He gets all the GLORY. And that’s what Life is all about!
This is obviously something for me to hear again. Today’s sermon by pj was a deep call and reminder for me…
I receive THORNS to give TESTIMONIES.
This week will be my first big challenge of 2010.
I want GOD’S WILL to be done. period.
And I’m at peace because God’s Will brings glory to GOD! YES!~
2010: Trusting With Courage To Act (TWCTA)
I never did well with trust.
I think it’s because trust demands vulnerability and risk.
You gotta put everything out there. You could end up looking like a fool. moron. idiot….
Or be played like the guy on 500 days of summer. (ouch)
It’s interesting how the Bible says we need to love others, not necessarily trust others. (one could debate this. but I suppose some see trust as love. but i do know that you can love someone deeply even without trusting them. What do you think? lol.
But, having Trusted before, I do acknowledge the sweet freedom you feel.
Being able to jump with no fear.
No worries or second thoughts.
Complete security.
For me, the keyword in 2010 is “Trust.”
Trust first, ask later.
Trust only in Jesus, not my own thinking or intuition.
Trust that God is not conditioned based on situations but in control of all situations.
Trust that God will watch over my parents.
Trust that God is working on my family.
Trust that 2010 will be a great year, not because I will get what I want but that I will become more like Jesus.
It’s only been day 2 of 2010… and the BKs are slowly coming back. argh.
But I wanna keep trusting.
And in 2010, I want to not only trust but trust with courage to act. There is one thing to look over the cliff and have theoretical faith. Then, it’s another to look over and jump to have realistic faith. I want the real thing. I want to Trust in GOD with Courage to Act!
GOD’s timing is speaking loudly. He is asking me to trust him. I just need some courage now to act.
“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.” Ps 20:7
“God will never give us a calling that requires us to neglect any other calling He has given us” Paul Washer.
R & R
GOD has been showing me so many things as I get some time to reflect and rest. I need to write all this down so that I don’t forget em.
1. Time is both kind and cruel. Over time I see how GOD can change a person, esp my dad. He has become so much more humble and patient and stronger. (He goes to MP at 5am everyday. beast.) And both my parents, I would consider it a privilege if I could become half the human being they are. Yet, I see how time is so cruel because I see my grandmother who is in chicago getting very old and fragile. I see my parents taking more medicine and having to check their blood pressure everyday. But, GOD is indeed faithful.
2. Church members are tough with all pastors. Whether you are a high school student, college, young adult, married or the elderly, everyone gripes about their pastor and church. If you are a strong pastor, people don’t like it when they tell people what to do and always have a specific way of doing things. If you are a friendly pastor, people don’t like that they are laid back and don’t have a backbone. Then, there are those that do things well but can’t preach that well. And those that preach really well but are really weak in other things. In my experience, you are either one or the other, you just don’t find any pastors with “all” of it. That is why having a team of supporters and colleagues is absolutely necessary. My view is, unless they are sinning, support them. I don’t care what age you are, everyone under the sun complains about their pastor. So, what’s the real problem? heh.
3. 1st Generation immigrants. They got it really hard. Even until this day, depending on which part of the country you live in, they are still treated low. I get (holy?) frustrated whenever I hear my parents sharing with me about how their dentist mistreats them or how their doctor doesn’t explain how to take certain medications well and etc. I’m like THIS close and about to call them up and give them a few advice of my own. Just kidding… sorta. It’s reasons like this they need to be around a community of koreans, who understand their struggle and language barrier. They are really missionaries in a country they do not belong to. Their sacrifice is the only reason I can have the background I have in order to redeem it for the Kingdom. If I don’t point their blood and sweat toward a Higher Kingdom, their sacrifice would be in vain. How many kids of our gen waste it on making their own lives better. When I have kids of my own, will I be able to be strong when I am called to sacrifice like the generation before me? I hope so…
4. Everyone has a different rhythm to follow. My parents wake up at 5am to go to pray at the church that is about 30mins away. And while driving they listen to a sermon tape. Then, they work 12-14 hours a day, come home, listen to a korean preacher on the korean channel or a kdrama, relax for a bit then go to sleep. Trying to follow my parents’ schedule, I can’t keep up. They are beasts. Having been here for about 7 days, I’ve been sleeping at 11pm and waking up at 5am. I realized that I’m made of weak sauce. But another thing GOD’s been showing me is that everyone in the world dance to a different beat. The important thing is to know which rhythm GOD wants me to follow. But, there are real life people who follow GOD and I am thoroughly challenged to get serious. Sean, get serious!
5. Living for the Kingdom is not a matter of location. On campus, I serve a church that has over one thousand people. The harvest is over 40,000 people at UofI. Everything is so big and grand and how you are in front of people matter. Your reputation, image and words matter… because people will tell you otherwise. I believe that too is the grace of God. In Roseville, CA, the church is about 100 people, mostly people my parents’ year. And rest of the time, I’m washing dishes, cooking or running errands. For my heart-type, the former should motivate me more. And it does sorta. (that could be a whole new entry) But, GOD’s been teaching me that living for Him is not about where I am or how many will see me. It is all about my heart that wants Him… that wants to live to please GOD. Being on campus, I got eyes watching me (and again, I cherish it) but it is freeing to be able to go to MP cuz I don’t have to and because I really want to, even though it’s at 5am here! There is this post-mod rebellion in my heart that doesn’t want to do what is expected of me… and its bad. So, this break was a refreshing reminder that regardless of the location, I must live for GOD, even if I have to go and even if people are watching me.
6. Love can change a person. If I’m honest, I realize that I don’t really receive much love from anyone. And that could probably be the core of many of my issues. hah. I’m not talking about lovey-dovey type love, but really the way I get it… the way I feel loved(really… respected/adored by words). Only my parents get close to it. I don’t know if that’s sad or not but that’s just the way it is. But, it’s not anything to complain about but this really shows me how much I really need to feed and/or love others. GOD really does use it to change people, anyone. (I feel like this is so elementary but important things are good to learn again) I just think it’s so funny that though we teach heart motives, no one is giving love nor receiving it. (this is everyone’s complaint) 
Interesting. Anyway, as for me, I need to learn how to get that love from God. This kind of crazy love transforms. Love definitely covers over a multitude of sins. And Love is the way to anyone’s heart.
Love speaks not preaching
Someone once asked, “What’s the big deal about preaching?” They answered, “It’s the vehicle, the instrument, the means by which GOD the Spirit brings… faith.” Of course, “Preaching” has power because the Word has power. And you can grow immensely spiritually when you need to preach regularly. Not only that, our lifestyles and what we say also “preach.” (before i get misunderstood, preaching is absolutely necessary for spiritual growth and it must be done for the Kingdom!)
But, talking to many people and capturing their sentiments, and also of myself, I’m realizing that you could preach the Word with skill and even with substance and have great spiritual power but lack loving power. You can talk a lot about what is right and wrong but still have no clue about how to express love. You can have positions and be old(er) but still can’t be humble enough to give a care about how someone else is really doing. You can even be mightily used by God but be a mighty failure when it comes to showing that you understand others. I’ve talked to so many young people as they vent and lament about how their dad who is a pastor can’t even love, some are illegitimate but often most are right. You can be great on the pulpit and public but bad with love personally. I don’t know how many kids have shared stories of these super holy dads that just aren’t that way at home. Yes, I know the “right” things to tell them that are biblical and helpful (i.e. dual nature, total depravity, we are ALL human and sinful, showing grace…) but it often leaves me thinking, what is going on?!
Why doesn’t the pulpit and preaching and public ministry transfer to the private and personal?
Why is there such a huge distinction?
Why do you hear horrible stories of pastors mistreating their staff and showing no love?
Why are there husbands who are so great at preaching but so mediocre with their wife and family?
Have we forgotten that more than the act of preaching, Love speaks louder?
Have we forgotten that the eloquence and execution of preaching pales in comparison to preaching that comes from a life of love… not perfect love but a love that is humble and progressing.
…
Honestly, I can’t judge nor be critical of other people but this is the one thing that gets me depressed about myself. And this dichotomy is something many young adults and young people often wonder about. And I guess i could sit here and point fingers but I can’t get past the 3 fingers that point right back on me. This is the reason for my failure attitude. I hate myself for doing the very thing I hate seeing in others. I might be “trained” to do amazing Kingdom work but if love does not resonate in me, who cares? I could lead a ministry and there could even be spiritual fruit, but if I can’t even express and really show love for those i work with, i’m a false prophet. If I hear people saying, “I like his ministry but don’t like him,” that’s a problem. It’s my problem.
I don’t want to become that kind of person.
I don’t want to become someone who does things well but can’t even love the way people need to be loved.
I don’t want to be fake.
Ministry skills are definitely necessary but LOVE… love speaks louder. And love earns the right to speak. love transcends even the messiest explanation of the Gospel and the Bible.
2010… allow me to be different. please.
