I’m even more convinced that God must’ve created this idea of “waiting” because it is so sanctifying. God willing, I’m planning to preach about that at the wed night prayer meeting. It is derived from the verses in Psalm 27, which has become one of my top favorite psalms to pray through.

I just really needed to study God’s Word for wisdom and perspective on this aspect of life. There is just so much waiting going on and I needed and wanted to redeem it biblically. I don’t wanna spend my life “waiting” for nothing. But, I wanna wait for what is worthy of waiting.

I believe God taught me what that is! And I’m sooooo encouraged by it!

This is a sick song by John Waller called “While Waiting”

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve you while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

Do I love Jesus?

This whole year I have been trying to reconcile this question in my life more than ever. Yes, I’ve been at “CFC” for 11 years. Yes, I’ve had experience working and making money for 4 years. Yes, I’ve miraculously got my masters and finished seminary. But, at the end of all of this, Do I love Jesus?

I can look back at my youth group days and even my freshmen year summer where I can clearly say, I did love Jesus. However, I feel far from that these days. I’ve grown older and have been getting “trained” but the heart is far away.

Even more so, I feel my life is so shallow. When I get what I want, I am content. When I don’t, I am utterly frustrated. It’s so amazing how one good or bad game of basketball can cause major mood swings!! It is so ridiculously childish. I feel like a teenager again… or more like a baby.

These are the moments when I really question, “Do I love Jesus?” Is this really possible?

So these days, I rest and proclaim verses like 1 John 3:20, “whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” and 1 Thess 5:24, “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.”

You know, I always imagined that being here at CFC and being a follower of Jesus for a “long” time will make this fight easier. I know I have yet to reconcile how this will all work out but one thing is for sure, the only way I will continue to love Jesus is when GOD enables me to… and with that power, I must continue to fight that I will love Jesus more than ever!

28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

Will I be faithful until the end? What type of Christian do I want to be 10, 20, 40 years later?

The car I drive now was bought used for a fairly cheap price. I haven’t changed the tires on it yet. A few days ago I looked and realized that the 2 front wheels didn’t have much tread left. It was shallow. No wonder, whenever it rained or snowed, my car would slip. I’m trying to get to some place and of course, I’ll get there but it’s with worn out treads, sliding and getting disheveled by all the elements.

I love the Isaiah 40 passage because it keeps it real about the challenges of trying to be faithful until the end. I will fail and fall and I will have many times when I feel weak. I will grow weary and will be frustrated by the circumstances in my life, often caused by my own stupidity and sins. The passage doesn’t make life “glossy.” Life is hard. And we have depraved and selfish hearts that is full of greed and perverse longings. So, what can I do? What kind of Christian do I want to become years down the line? How do I become who God wants me to be?

As it is the purpose of the treads on a tire to get me moving, to overcome the elements, so that I will stay the course; it is the same with my spiritual life. I must have deep treads in my relationship with God. What it is speaking on is my character. I must have deep character and deep faith so that when the elements of life and of circumstances come my way, my God-rooted character will help me stay the course. Yes, as the tire hits the road, I will and must face the tough situations in life, but it is this “the LORD will renew my strength” type of character which will help me be faithful until the end.

These days, I see my arrogance toward life and people. I see my lack of humility. I see how self-driven my desires are…

I wonder how deep my treads are? I feel as if one devastating situation could ride me off the Road. That scares me… and leads me to get on my knees and pray that I will have deep character and even deeper faith in Jesus.

And for the Kingdom, having deep treads will make an even deeper mark or impact as I move along the Road. It will leave clear tread marks toward Christ. It will lead people to follow the tread marks that Jesus wants us to follow.

Lord, deeper treads for deeper Christ exalting impact…

I just heard a sermon on this last night so I wanted to write some thoughts down before I forget them!

It struck me that I and many people here easily confuse the two: obedience and sacrifice. There are so many things at this church that can give you the privilege to learn how to “sacrifice,” to become a living sacrifice for the Kingdom.

But, as 1 Samuel 15:22 made it so clear through the life of Saul, before sacrifice comes “obedience.” To me, that means, before serving and in the midst of sacrifice, my relationship with Jesus must be the priority and the driving motive. Without that, I would simply die for the sake of doing what is “right” versus what are God’s ordained methods. Once again, I am reminded that God calls me to O V E R F L O W, not generate anything on my own…. which in essence cannot be done.

I cannot give what I have not been given.

I am envious of those who already got this God ordained order right… I am still learning. But through my burnt out and self-willing attempts, I am being disciplined to learn it the right way, God’s way!

I often wonder if my heart could ever be UNdivided. (I mean, not until Jesus comes or we die and go to Heaven) I hear all the time that we shouldn’t think about this and that because our hearts would be “divided.” But in reality and in the Bible, it makes it clear that our hearts can never be whole. We will always be distracted. Psalm 51 asks to “create in me a clean heart…” because our hearts are not clean.

But the tricky thing is that I and people can use this as a license to be divided and unclean. I, in practice, do that all too well. So, the way God ordained is to fight for undividedness and to hope in the future that one day I will be completely undivided. The key idea is to FIGHT!

And the “fight” has an amazing end goal- it is to become more like Jesus. The more I ‘become’ the more I will love God.

I guess for me, the key is who I want to be more like? Whatever my selfish heart wants to be or Jesus? I think I am on my way in being “undivided” when I “want” to be more like Jesus versus wherever my fallen estate will take me.

My lesson for the day:

Wanting to want to be like Jesus = having an undivided heart.

Faith.

I don’t know what it is but I always get challenged by the core of what Faith really is around the time of NSW and HTS. Many are preparing videos, musicals, dance performances… and we are all praying that it would move and touch spiritual beings. I’ve been involved in giving some seminars regarding Christian Arts in the church and culture and I realize that when it comes down to it, it comes down to Prayer and Faith. We have faith that GOD can use these arts to draw people to Himself and even to point to Jesus. And because we have that Faith, we Pray.

I’ve been leading the dance ministry for many years now and I can’t help but to resort to Prayer as the greatest medium for transformation. Yet, with all Christian Arts, there is also a great tension of giving your utmost excellence. Bringing your highest quality and effort. It is not a legalistic ploy but one of faithfulness to the Lord. As we strive to be faithful, we also Pray for GOD to do the work of transformation.

Year after year, I find great satisfaction and more importantly, security, in the fact that it is the LORD who moves hearts and is the ONLY one who can transform hearts!

Here is to another year at U of I and at CFC…

LORD JESUS… may the fire of your Spirit fall upon us!