So what?

One day, it’s THIS and then a week after, it’s THAT!

This month it’s that person, then later THAT person.

I’m tired of living to get whatever I want. It sucks.

woah, calm down sean.

Okay okay.

Today is one of those days I spent yelling, LOORRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! Why am I like this? Why do I keep seeking for the same things that won’t reconcile anything in my life?!

If I could. If I really could… I just want to take my WHOLE life and just hand it over to GOD.

NO restraints, NO turning back. Taking everything that comes with The Package. My life was a package deal when I became His.

Happiness, Joy, Success, Security, Comfort, Peace are not what I am to expect. At least not in the way I perceive it. Or the way I want it. And sometimes, I just think I got it right. I think I really know what is GOOD for me.

But, God’s plans are bigger. God’s future and hope for me is FAR greater. AND, my plans? My plans “may” work out. It “may” give me what I want. But I’m way too risk averse for that kind of gamble. The future, marriage, career, what to do with my life… are far too big for me to handle. I NEVER want to look BACK on my life and regret. And the solution to not having any regret is TRUSTING in GOD. And moving forward with Trust versus Fear. The Christian is one that is courageous, not fearful. Choices made based on Fear is never a good one. But one that is with Trust, it will bring fruit for the Kingdom.

I’m just ranting now.

This insatiable desire to get what I want has become idolatry. I must kill it before it kills me. I see it alive. It’s moving and working. Always planning and scheming.

So today is one of those days I HATE this idol and want to tear it down!!

Help me to cry out to You. To seek after You. I need You.

This week I’m realizing that I don’t care about people and others the way God wants from me.

With FACT in just a few days, God’s been convicting me that I need to have GOD’s heart like this EVERY SINGLE DAY and MOMENT.

My initial thought was, “How does one DO that?” How does my heart beat for God and for Others, constantly? continuously?

It only takes the Work of the Holy Spirit. Because one thing is for sure, I’m not wired that way. I have other things that I think are more important.

Yet, at the VERY heart of God is one that beats for His People to know him and trust him and love him. Every page of the OT rings true to this fact. Every truth in the NT shows Jesus who becomes this reality.

However, this week, I see how far my heart is from God’s heart. I guess that’s why God allows me to participate in FACT. To remind my selfish self to think and desire like Jesus.

Lord, help me.

I need some major heart work and change.

GOD sure can move mountains but FAITH and PRAYER move the heart of God. (EM Bounds)

I love this quote because it shows God’s heart and sovereignty but also the response that is necessary by His people.
Whether it is revival or FACT, I wanna learn His heart. I wanna know what He feels. I wanna change.

No matter how amazing a spiritual event was, Satan and the Self is constantly working to kill it all. The thief only comes to steal, KILL and destroy.

It could be one misunderstanding, one phone call, one look, one interpretation of something or just another good ol fashion demand from your heart, “I want what I want!!” or “Don’t give me what I don’t want!!”

Revivals, Devotion times, prayer mtgs, holy encounters are very much needed. I need them. But the BIGGER question is, will I keep at it?

Will I use those means as a launching pad for more of JESUS?

Will I be addicted to worshiping Jesus?

Will I continue pouring what is in my heart to God?

Will I keep believing that Jesus should be my only desire?

Will I go back to my sinful “comforts” or CHANGE?

I sit here contemplating in the slow glow of a great weekend of spiritual fire. The BKs are all around me. BK as in Blessing Killers. Just like the cube of God’s future presence, all around me are sprinkles of water to kill the fire. Here and there. Slowly.

I face the greatest battle not in the huddled barracks where the General gives out the weapons and ammunition. The Battle is now GOING OUT. Have I really learned well? Did the Revival kick me in the right direction? Did it heal me of past gunshot wounds? Did I find encouragement from others who are fighting their own individual battles?

What I need to do now, according to Polycarp,  is “play the man.” Be a man! Be a Man of God.

Failure awaits, wounds are coming, battle scars will form but the Battle MUST BE FOUGHT. Now, it’s a little bit different though.

How so?

I have a RENEWED desire and direction. Desire that comes because my days and whole life has been BOUGHT with the BLOOD of Jesus. And my Direction is a bit more clear. I clearly know what is wrong with me. If I don’t trust God in healing me, Imma have some major issues to say the least.

This weekend, I really needed the church to be that “Inn” for me. But I know I cannot stay in the Inn forever….

We had a lil get together with the isr serving body at P.Jong’s house. The food was amazing! Haven’t had a good burger/dog in a LONG time… It’s nice having a meal at a family’s house once in a while. It reminds me that LIFE is really more than what I see in a college campus. I live and breathe college life so I sometimes forget that this is one phase of my life.

Well, one thing happened that just blessed me so much. Of course, the sharing time and praying together was very blessing. Like I said, there is nothing more fulfilling than enjoying the company of those that you are doing ministry with. Anyway, what really blessed me was P.Jong’s 2nd daughter, Lydia.

A few times, she just sat next to me. There were other aunties and uncles but she chose me. haha. And it seemed genuine And then as I was leaving the house, I saw Lydia and her dad just playing. It was a great sight to see… Daddy’s little girl.

All this just reminded me how much God is just happy when I sit with Him… When I sit with His words… When I am just gazing at Him. And not because I “have” to or I “need” to but because I just want to.

I just want to be with Jesus.

Isn’t that what this Christianity thing is all about? Isn’t this what a relationship is? Sometimes I just forget what Jesus really wants from me…. He just wants ME.

Do I just want Him?

Just got convicted again about the “highest pleasure” principle in life. I will think, desire and do whatever will give me the highest pleasure in any given moment.

It almost sounds too simple.

Do I wake up early to pray or sleep? Do I demand respect or not think of myself too highly? Do I show disdain or give grace to people? Do I spend my time getting closer to God or use the time to entertain myself?

I am revisiting how I always operate under this principle of pleasure. Always.

The bottom line is, Jesus has to be my highest pleasure every moment of the day. And of course, THAT in itself is the spiritual battle. Who do I love more?

I was very challenged by watching the speeches of two accomplished people, MJ and David Robinson. They were both accepted into the hall of fame. However, their attitudes were so different. Yes, I do want to be very well accomplished like MJ and ‘be the man’ but when Robinson at the end of his speech mentioned how he really felt like the Leper who was so undeserving, I just remember thinking, all of MJ’s accolades pales in comparison to WHO Robinson was living for!

MJ did have a great metaphor about how all the people in his life helped burn his fire to become the man he was… what does his fire burn for now? and in the future?

Robinson’s ending lines challenged me to FOCUS on who I am living for and to make sure I don’t strive for accomplishments for myself… to make sure that I don’t use people to make my own Kingdom’s fire burn hotter… because who cares about that kind of fire.

The fire that I want is the Spirit’s fire that can only be kindled by Jesus’ fire that wants to bring glory to the Father. Like Father like Son. I want… and need a fire that burns so that others may not Burn. I want a fire that burns not so that others can see ‘me’ burning but that they will see Jesus’ burning heart for them as he Leaves No One Behind…

marantha!

ugh.

the worst 1.5 weeks so far.

this was the week where i needed to pray the most and for some reason, my alarm stopped working… so i couldn’t wake up to MP at all…

i have no idea how people back in the day would wake up in the morning w/o an alarm clock!

anyway… i need to figure out how to get my alarm to work again or there is no way i’m waking up at all in the mornings! arghhh

Anyway, on a side note, I realized again that you just don’t get what you want in life. Some days all your circumstances might be great but your heart is messed up. Other days, your heart is on fire but your circumstances are all messy. Then, there are those days when everything is just not going well.

I’m seeing again that GOD really is very purposeful with my day to day life; giving me more opportunities to SEE Him and HEAR Him and be full of Him and less full on myself.

focus sean. Focus!

I’ve also been realizing that even though I might get involved with godly ventures or opportunities, being divided, could make me less effective. Division of focus and purpose is so detrimental! You could be the most capable person but once divided, its all over.

i hate journaling and esp these days, just reflecting in general, so hopefully this will get me more disciplined to think, evaluate and reflect.

Today’s emotion: frustrated.

Every battery, esp on the Mac has cycles of use. After some point, even though you charge it, it’s just not the same. You’ll need to replace the battery itself.

I hate having to plug the adapter in every time I use the computer. I’d rather use the battery. It’s more convenient. It’s easier. But, there will be a time when the battery will run out.

I got this epiphany while getting my cord out to recharge my laptop again. I was frustrated and annoyed that I had to plug it in again and again. Time after time. I just felt like it was unnecessary. And then I remembered that if I use the battery too much, I would need to replace the battery itself…. which is pretty costly!

If a simple laptop that can do many things need to be recharged daily, how much more i need to be charged and filled up as well. Cell phones needs charging, ipods, all sorts of things. But I esp need it… my problem is that I run out my heart battery until I come to a point where I just need to replace the whole thing. It just takes deep moments with God and a longing to obey His Word that can CHARGE me right up.

The greatness of GOD is that even though i feel like my heart battery needs a complete replacement… one CHARGE of His grace can make is ALIVE and on FIRE again. That’s the most profound thing about the Holy Spirit’s power. It can recharge me in an instant (Though it will require some response on my part).

I would always challenge the jteam that ONE prayer meeting, ONE quiet time, ONE sermon could CHARGE your life that moment. Eat your own words Sean!! SEEK GOD WITH FIRE.

This is what I want my focus to be this 2009-2010 year.

I feel that my fire is sometimes growing dim… yet it’s not really about how “my fire” is doing, compared to how much GOD’S FIRE makes MY fire burn even more brighter. FIRE begins and ends with GOD. That’s so hopeful.

Sporting Camel’s hair and a leather belt, while eating locust and honey…
what a life!

How do I live and what do I really live for… on a daily basis?

In Mark 1, John the Baptist knew how to live and what he lived for. There was no compromise and no other path. It was clear to him. He was undivided. He was doing this thing during a time where it wasn’t normal. The whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem went out to him. He must’ve been different. He had to be set apart. And he was preparing for the coming of Jesus…

This week, whether forced or out of my own volition, I am faced with the discrepancy of the life I’ve been living and the life that GOD wants me to live. Simple temptations haunt me. Compromise is a willing option. The justification of my soul is easily forgotten. Pleasures and satisfaction consumes me.

I can easily see my sins now. I can easily see my need for a Savior. I am just weak. My only displeasure and pain is how long this conviction will last… This is a week and season where this is hard pressed. But what about the other times during the year. Will my life REALLY change? Will I REALLY be different?

It’s funny because this whole week is to remember that I AM CHANGED forever. But, in the midst of all the fervency, I lack the most important thing, Faith. I don’t want to become one of those Christians who just do rituals because it is the season and time to do it. I want to do it because I believe it! Because I believe that GOD can change me. Isn’t that why we do these rituals? This is the message of the Cross…

I don’t want to just participate in this week’s events… I want to BELIEVE it deeply and personally for myself! Lord, help me to believe….

Tomorrow, on Saturday, Mustard Seeds will be participating in a filipino conference called FACT. It will be at foellinger at 5pm. Please pray for us as we will try to share the Gospel through our dancing and drama. The message is about Jesus Christ and so we are praying that GOD will use it to bring His people close to Him.

Anyway, the point of the entry was not to announce FACT, though your support and prayers are much appreciated and NEEDED!

What I wanted to write was about my involvement in things like FACT and other V-Shows on campus. I’m 29 years old and graduated a LONG time ago. And so it was weird registering for this conference as a delegate. As I walked into the registration room, I saw a bunch of young and loud filipinos everywhere. I got a bit insecure. :] Well, I said “hello” to a few familiar faces, registered and pretty much ran toward the exit.

As I was walking back to my car, I saw many groups of filipinos passing me. I couldn’t help but to think about the many weeks and months we’ve been praying for the souls that will be coming to this very conference.

I do often ask the question, why is a 29 year old who can’t dance that well, still involved in things like this?

It is because souls matter.

For me, this is an amazing way to rub shoulders with souls on this campus, and especially with other ethnic groups. I love that! I really do feel the presence of God when I work with other ethnic groups. I just can’t explain it but my heart is filled with so much joy and satisfaction! Maybe it is because God also has a huge heart for the nations and so He is slowly giving me more and more of His heart. There is no other greater time when my heart is so full and so big! That just makes me want to chase after God’s big heart even more!

Anyway, I’m realizing that it should never matter what my age is or what my circumstances are, souls are so precious to GOD so I must get involved in what GOD is doing! And for me, this year, I am called to the people in this city, in this campus. So, whatever the situation, I really do want to invest in souls.

Souls matter so much. I never want to lose GOD’s heart for the lost souls on this campus and all the nations that are represented in this relatively smaller city.

Lord, continue to break my heart for what breaks Yours….