There are so many things on my mind these days. Preparing for JGEN, HTS, Missions presentation video… It’s been close to 18 days since being back from missions. Yet, since the moment I got back, I’ve been consumed with preparing a few sermons and getting back into the rhythm of ministry here.

I wish I had a little more time to reflect and meditate. Thoughts about the “future” and what GOD really wants me to do constantly keeps me on edge. I vowed to not go through another year just doing things because it is “good to do.” I would often decide to do something only because I feel that it is assumed that I should do it. If that makes any sense… I guess that’s okay if you are still in college but not when you are 30.

Someone once lamented to another that they’ve been here on campus for many years, even the summers. The response, “that was YOUR choice.” And it’s true, when it really comes down to the decisions I make, it is clearly “my” choice. There is no one else to blame or use as a scapegoat. There is only a certain extent of responsibility others will take for your life choices. Whether good or bad, I will face God for the choices I made.

That really leaves me to only one place.

I’ve been down this road before and without much answer, I became disappointed, disillusioned, dissatisfied, just dis-sed… by God? by people?

But, now, I really do believe that GOD KNOWS. Everything. GOD knows my heart and intentions and especially when I hurt and get frustrated. More than anything, GOD sees that I am trying… given my inability and lack of faithfulness.

THAT is the most comforting reality. I don’t need to prove that I am mature enough or good enough or capable enough to be given this or that role. Those “roles” and “chances” will come in GOD’s timing. I was reminded of this again in Japan. I am SO thankful. Words cannot explain it. It  just can’t.

What is most important is that GOD is alive in me and that I am striving to be like JESUS and doing my best to really live for God. And one thing I’ve realized is that “people” and “others” are NOT good indicators of whether I am doing this or not. “They” are not the plumbline I must base my spirituality off of. Only Jesus. only!

With God, it is not going to matter so much who’s advice I got or who I tried to please, GOD will simply ask me, “Sean, did you Obey Me and follow Jesus only?”

And sometimes, this will mean that I will have to disagree with those above me and who have taught me much. In humility, yes. But with a heart and desire that really wants to please JESUS above all.

The neutral. The good. All could be the enemy of the BEST.

For me, the “best” is seeking GOD with ALL MY HEART and praying to GOD for GOD to tell me what I need to do. And for once in my life, I’m gonna do just that. I’m just gonna do what GOD tells me… and I’m gonna obey. And do it with conviction and confidence.

GOD KNOWS. And that’s all that matters…….

this song by Casting crown or Jeff Chandler just hits home for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ar1CMFmRukg

“I Know You’re There”

If all I had was one last breath
I’d spend it just to sing Your praise
Just to say Your name
If all I had was one last prayer
I’d pray it ’cause I know You’re always listening
If I could live a thousand lives, bind the hands of time
I would spend every moment by Your side

’cause I, I know You’re there, I know You see me
You’re the air I breathe
You are the ground beneath me
I know You’re there, I know You hear me
I can find You anywhere

If all I had was one more song to sing
I would raise a noise to make the heavens ring
If all I had was one last chance, I’d take it
I would stake it all on You

If I could raise up high and catch a glimpse of every eye
I would make them believe
What I feel inside

If I could live a thousand lives and bind the hands of time
If I could rise up high and catch a glimpse of every eye

I know You’re there
I know You’re there
I know You’re there, You’re there

I really believe everyone needs to struggle with this question. For me, it changes based on the season or phase of my life. When I was in HS, I wanted to get into college, do well on my SATs and ACTs. In college, it was to get good grades and figure out my major and in the midst of all that, try to grow spiritually. After, I really wanted to find a good job that’ll allow me to stay near CFC while being able to provide for some financial needs for my family and my loans.

These days, I just really WANT to know my 5 to 10 year plan for my life. That is what I WANT to know the most. Yet in the midst of lots of ‘ personal sighs’ and ‘prayer signs,’ I am seeing how AMAZING this is for this season of my life. I am, since a long time, so content and thankful that I can serve the Lord as a single. I can definitely see why Apostle Paul really delighted in his singleness. I am able to focus and concentrate on the people I serve and don’t really have too much other concerns.

But, as I think about my future, whether it is vocationally or marriage, I’ve recently been convicted that more than wanting to know when and where and how things will happen in my life… I must really WANT Jesus more than anything. I mean, you can always “say” that it is what you “want.” But, what I mean is like… really REALLYYYYYY wanting the Lord.

I think it’s the deep realization and confession that though marriage is great and though figuring out life decisions is awesome, it STILL won’t compare to a nice monday morning devotion with Jesus. Or that moment of prayer and reflection walking on a nice sunny day. Or the occasional need to repent as the gloomy skies and light drizzle reminds you of your selfishness that day…

It’s a weird feeling.

I can really say now that marriage or knowing what I will do in my life will not be as satisfying as what I have in Jesus.

haha. So this is what the Bible means when it says that whether I am in need or want, Jesus is the strength of my heart. I guess I see it now a little bit more clearly.

It’s definitely a freeing feeling. I no longer feel bound by circumstance or the unknown. I guess this is one of the great implications of being “in Christ.”

I just read a portion of George Whitefield’s life biography. It was sharing about his attitude toward God’s Word. He would get on his knees and try to pray through every line and word, that it would be implanted in his heart, mind and actions.

wow.

I don’t have that kind of attitude… for anything! These old skool pastors really impress me and motivate me to be serious about my Bible. What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my generation? aigo…

This is why I really enjoyed John Piper at the Gospel coalition because he was yelling at me and the rest of us noob pastors to be. We really don’t proclaim the implications of the Gospel and we don’t really have the attitude toward the Words of God like they used to. It’s just not that serious and important anymore.

I can hear a good sermon or Bible study but will never get around to DO the Word. Hearing and Doing is miles apart. Head to heart is the longest journey. But heart to action the greatest challenge.

A REAL Christian is one that obeys. A REAL Christians can’t help but to obey because of their love for God.

I want to be REAL. So REAL where I get serious about obeying. So REAL where I am able to have some attitude about Scripture…

Of course, the church has always understood that the day commemorated on Good Friday was anything but happy. Sadness, mourning, fasting, and prayer have been its focus since the early centuries of the church. A fourth-century church manual, the Apostolic Constitutions, called Good Friday a “day of mourning, not a day of festive Joy.” Ambrose, the fourth-century archbishop who befriended the notorious sinner Augustine of Hippo before his conversion, called it the “day of bitterness on which we fast.”

Yet, despite—indeed because of—its sadness, Good Friday is truly good. Its sorrow is a godly sorrow. It is like the sadness of the Corinthians who wept over the sharp letter from their dear teacher, Paul, convicted of the sin in their midst. Hearing of their distress, Paul said, “My joy was greater than ever.” Why? Because such godly sorrow “brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret” (2 Cor. 7:10).

- Christianity Today, Chris Armstrong

“Good Friday” is certainly not the only thing we could call this day. In Latin countries, it is called “Holy Friday.” In Germany, it is called “Mourning Friday” or “Friday of Mourning.” Norway refers to it as “Long Friday” (a reference to the length of the day’s services). The Orthodox Churches call it “Holy Friday” and “Great Friday.”

This Good Friday, I’m realizing again why this day is so “good.” It is a day of sorrow… deep sorrow. And that is what I need to feel and deeply understand. Fasting helps. Giving up some things I love helps. But, I won’t be able to fully feel what Jesus had to go through. Even giving up food for a little bit, I’m realizing how hard that is. I see how much I just want to give up and give in… and compromise. What amazes me is that Jesus had the power to just say, “STOP!” and it would’ve all been over. But he said, “It is finished,” instead. That is so crazy amazing…

Jesus is definitely amazing becuase He alone can do what no one else can.

geez.

God has been brewing a lesson that He wanted me to learn this year. It did take some time to heat up but I think it’s coming to a nice boil. :]

The lesson is: Ministry is a marathon, not a sprint.

When I was younger, sprints were definitely needed because it was good to build up endurance and the taste for running. Everything was exciting and so I wanted to run it as fast as I could and as hard as I could. The finish line during these times were a lot closer- worshiping with all your heart for a revival meeting, getting passionate at a retreat, and praying as if there is tomorrow.

Though I’ve never ran a marathon, in High School I did run the 800 and the mile. The 800 had more moments where you had to sprint. The mile, however, you had to be strategic about when to sprint and when to jog or you won’t make good time. The interesting thing is, everyone finishes it but you just won’t get the most efficient time.

I’m realizing in ministry and in life, most will finish the race, whether you are living life for yourself or for God. The bigger question is, which race are you running?

As for me, living for Jesus is a marathon with many little sprints in the middle

There are moments when things do seem dry spiritually, but that doesn’t mean I am not growing in my desire for Jesus. And then, there are times when I feel like I am flying and so close to God… like I’m sprinting!

But I think GOD has been teaching me that it doesn’t matter how I feel or if things are challenging or not, the big thing is whether I am “still” running for God! …whether I am still living for Jesus?