Just Give Up

These days, I’ve been overwhelmed and tempted to just give in and give up. And I was reminded of this clip…

This clip blesses me so much because he doesn’t have much yet he doesn’t give up. He has many reasons to give in and give up. Yet, he’s smiling, he’s influencing and he’s Living.
I saw this again today and was reminded how much I’ve been blessed but how much I whine and complain and get bitter.

For this 2010 Passion week, I’ve been asking and praying… and begging… for God to show me why I live the kind of life I do. Why am I such a unfocused follower? Why do I always blame my circumstances? Why am I so divided?

In short, I give up way too easily.

JUST GIVE UP… JUST GIVE IN… is probably the biggest mind war I fight.
When things get hard, I find escapes or the easy way out. When faced with the narrow path, I opt for the wider road. The comfortable road.
When people frustrate me or disappoint me, I blame them, not my lack of love and patience and understanding.
When temptations flirt with me, I don’t yell it away but I converse with it, often, casually.
I give up. again and again.
That’s my problem.
And the thing is, I know I will always give in, give up and not fight. That is who I am.

But this passion week and as I await Sunday… I am aware once again how much I need JESUS!
I needed JESUS to not give up on me.
I needed JESUS to fight for me.
I needed JESUS to live and to die for me.
Because I cannot do it. I could never do it.

Jesus could have easily given up.
He could’ve spoken up when he was mocked and belitted but he remained silent.
He could’ve easily called the army of Angels to come down and bring justice.
He could’ve revealed His Glory and cause everyone to bow down with one whisper.
He could’ve let us be and let our sins lead us to Death forever.

HOWEVER, JESUS didn’t…
because JESUS loved and loves us too much!
He would never give up on us.

So, just give up?
In comparison to what Jesus had done for me and IS doing for me, how could I “just” give up…
Just like him, I wanna fight until the end… or at least, keep getting up after I fall…

I easily want to give up but I know I can keep on going because JESUS NEVER GAVE UP ON ME NOR WILL HE EVER GIVE UP ON ME.
And I’m realizing a mere “Thank you JESUS…” is not enough.
I must give everything, my desires, thoughts, relationships, the future, my whole Life to Him.
You get it all. Everything.
May ‘giving up’ not be an option because of Jesus.

And if you feel like giving up sometimes like me, watch some of these videos to encourage you. And may GOD strengthen you!

the right thing to do

Ash Wednesday.
Lent.
Palm Sunday.
Fasting.
Maundy Thursday.
Good Friday.
Sunrise Service.
Easter Service.

You take care of your brother while your parents are at work all day.
You don’t make ‘bad’ friends.
You get all your work done so you can get good grades.
You earn approval from older people.
You do what the ‘church’ says.
You don’t question.
You do what is right.

I am good at doing what is right. Wanting what is right.
Its always worked for me when I was younger.

Now. It is a vice.

It corrupts Conviction.
It lacks Love.
It isolates Identity.

You get so good at it. You become a professional.
I am still an Amateur but I fear that one day it will become a profession.

I can easily go through this week making it a professional rite of a ‘christian’ and do the right thing
OR make it a special week where I can remember what Jesus is all about.

Today, I saw my core. My soul. And it no longer wanted to do what was just right but what is of GOD. only.
I’m pretty sick and tired of doing the status quo. What is simply “culture.” And even what is “good to do.”
“You should fast, because it is good to do this week.” “You should give up things because it is the right thing to do.”
When you don’t explain the HEART, you give poison. Not one of those that brings death quickly, but in very small doses… where after some time, you find your heart beyond repair.

This is the most important week for those that really know and love Jesus.
But it can also be the most damaging week for those that are just doing what is right.
Being around Believers won’t save your soul. Hearing worship won’t give you peace.
I must engage my heart deeply until I am believing and hearing!

I want this week to transform my pitiful life.
I want this week to change my fake lifestyle.
I want this week to be real. just real. authentic. genuine.
….even if that means I might not do what is right.

I just want Jesus. What more do you want from me?

one way

Coloring books reveal a lot about who you are.
Do you use bright colors? or darker colors? Do you think about how much crayon you need to use or go all out and use up all your favorite colors? And the most important, do you color within the boundaries of the “line” or venture off into the unknown and (gasp) color outside the lines?

I get random impulses to drive on the wrong side of the road. Any chance I get, I like driving through the median line that separates oncoming and going traffic. When there is puddle of water, I HAVE to go over it, even if I need to go off the road a little bit.
I get impulses to drive up one way streets, go 100mph or more on the highway and especially these days, to just say whatever is on my mind.

I found myself drawn to Marcel M. from missions weekend simply because he was ‘different’. He had crazy hair, ear rings and wore trendy clothes. And having listened to his heart and life, I realized how legit he was. He was a genuine guy wanting to genuinely live for God. He loved souls. Loved Jesus. AND he was so ‘out of the box’… he did things with crayons I only imagined was possible. I was inspired!

These days, I find myself drawn to what is not suppose to be. Not in a rebellious sense, but trying to re-color the cultural norm and cfc norm with the colors of Scripture and see what the Artist really sees as Art. I’m tired of or color blind-ed by the same drawings and paintings I’ve seen over the years. And all those solid pictures that are drawn in-between the lines are great, don’t get me wrong. But, there is something deep in me, in my core, that just wants to draw things in different ways. Same colors, same goal, same Artist but with different Art.

But, just as I am fearful of driving through a One Way street or going 100 mph or really saying what I really want, this could all be my rebellious kid in me wanting some release. Or… just maybe, the real “me” is wanting to come out and I’m just scared to show everyone what I really want to do with these colors that the Artist has entrusted to me. For at the end of the day, it won’t matter what people think of my art or what they do with it. All I should be concerned about is what I did with the colors that The Artist has revealed to me and provided. Because on That Day, I know everyone will have different art to show for, it’ll all be different. It’s just trying to figure out what kind of artist I should be, is the hard part. You can only draw with the Artist to a certain point until He tells you to go outside, take your colors and start drawing on your own… and for me, it’s kinda freaky because I don’t want to make a mistake, or do something wrong or even worse, to hear from people that, that isn’t the way your suppose to do it. Or, I don’t like the way you painted that.

It’s a slow process but I want the true artist to come out soon. I’m learning how to draw, color, add accents, depth, and I’ve even been able to see others do it… and this past weekend, I was able to see someone who was drawing in 3D!!! I never knew it was possible. And now, the possibilities are endless.

And it’s great because I know I have the greatest Artist to enable me and guide me. And I’ve been slowly getting more colors in my box to draw. And actually, He’s been using a pencil to sketch out what this final product is suppose to look like. When He wasn’t looking (or at least, I didn’t think he was…), I tried some stuff on my own but that never works out. So, we erased that out and we are in the process of sketching out a general direction before I get working and coloring the pieces. But, when it comes down to it, I just have too much fear to pick up the brush and actually use the colors. What if I mess up? What if it doesn’t turn out well? What if people don’t like it or approve of it?

I believe there is One Way… for Salvation. But that doesn’t mean we all gotta dress the same, look the same, smell? the same! 🙂 I can be different. God is the greatest Artist. He made everyone unique. So, what’s the problem Sean???

I’m just in the process of finding what kind of artist GOD wants me to be…

And this is the “X-Factor” for AI, esp this season. The ones that know what type of artist they want to be, they are the ones that get far. Right now, I’m just not sure. It can be anything, as long as I am serving God in a full time way as a vocation. And when I am confused, at least I know the type of artist I must always strive to become… Jesus. Dude, he knows what’s up.

I’m just all over the place.

The Calm After the Storm

There is the calm right before something happens. And then there is the calm after the storm.

I don’t know which is worse- knowing something crazy is GOING to happen or trying to rummage through the craziness after it passes by.

For me, both are stressful. When I know something is coming up, a sermon or MS or something “big” I get really tense and go into my “must-finish-this-purpose” mode. But, after an event or whatever, I get so weary. It’s like the same intensity as when I am preparing for something. I sometimes get into the mood of just doing nothing. In that sense, I am such a purpose person… if I don’t have a clear purpose, I’d rather just do nothing.

And so after the storm, I’m trying to find my next purpose… but it’s so unclear what that is! Yes, it’s serving God and living for His Kingdom but practically, it’s hard to put my finger on what exactly that is. I always revert to how long I’m going to be here, when will I leave? should I leave? where can i go?  And these thoughts just ends up taking me all over the world… And I do get excited about all the possibilities… but then I get more confused. Oh and…. the ever present question of “relationships”… gah! Let’s not even go there… that’s a whole new entry 😛

Sometimes, I like being in the Storm. At least you know what you are in. And you know what you are suppose to do. But once you’re out…. there are just too many pieces to pick up again…

alt ending for “The Return”

maybe for jgen, i’ll do a story from a guy’s point of view.

It would be about a guy…

where he does all that he can for the girl… but at the end, it just doesn’t work out… no particular reason… he just wasnt the one.

But can’t really reconcile the ending… Jesus comes back for “him”? haha

Probably gotta do more of a Manly feel to what happens for men when Jesus comes back 🙂

ideas?

Falling in love

All it takes is one moment to change everything.

One conversation, a defining moment.

One glance, eternity captured.

One evaluation, am I good enough?

You can’t explain what really goes on yet you know exactly what’s happening.

You want to peek into destiny.

You want to hear gossips of truth.

You want to be near them.

And before it’s too late… you’ve fallen in love.

You don’t care about the limitations.

Boundaries are meant to be jumped.

Walls come down as quickly as you built them up.

You long for hope… the impossible.

I am a dreamer. I like to mute the realist. Life becomes more bearable for a moment when you believe dreams do really come true. I fight the doubts like one fights cancer… you do it believing you can beat it yet knowing that any moment, it can beat you.

I am a realist. I don’t like falling in love. How long can you be alone and not feel alone? You risk everything for an unknown reality.

Yet, falling in love is still the greatest feeling…

The last 4 weeks, I’ve learned again what it meant to fall in love with God and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. I can’t even count how many times I need to fall in love all over again but however many times I need to, I want to. I never want an organization/culture to dictate what love looks like… i never want religion to take over relationship… i never want approval of people to shame how I feel about You.

Human relationships and falling in love can hurt you… even render you to pull over for a while. But I value my relationship with GOD because it never wants to hurt but heal and restore you.

To those who have fallin in love, i commend your courage…